An Open Letter to Trick-or-Treaters

I love Halloween.

I am happy to decorate the yard, dress up, turn on the spooky sounds, and hand out candy to all the little trick-or-treaters.

I used to go trick-or-treating when I was a child; my son will one day trick-or-treat.

I consider it my duty to continue this tradition, give back where once I took, and help to perpetuate a holiday of demons and monsters.

I scorn those houses who send their children out to collect candy from the neighbors while their own porch lights remain dark year after year.

I reserve the right to refuse candy to the following:

Those who are old enough to drive themselves to a store to purchase candy or to hold a paying job with which to buy candy- you do not need to stop at our house.

Those not in costume- you are not trick-or-treating; you are soliciting.  Please adhere to the No Soliciting sign on the front door.

Those who proceed to walk up to my stoop with an infant sleeping in a stroller while they hold out a plastic pumpkin telling me the candy collected is for the toothless baby- you will get a bottle of formula.

Thank You, and Happy Haunting.